Got a loved one who’s having a tough time right now?
As someone who struggles with anxiety, depression, and ADHD (as well as, y’know, the general stress of being alive), I’ve got a few ideas to help you support them… without burning yourself out.
The good news is they don’t cost anything and they’re pretty easy to do. 🙌
The bad news is they won’t fix the situation. And that’s okay.
You don’t *need* fix it. People don’t need to be rescued. They’re responsible for their own well-being.
(It’s way more empowering for them if you believe in their ability to recover in their own time and in their own way.)
That said, here are 7 things my loved ones do that help me get through hard times:
1. Listen with compassion.
The absolute best thing you can do is create a safe space for your loved one to speak—and then actually LISTEN to them.
Listening isn’t about just hearing words. It requires you to regulate your own nervous system enough to hold space for another person’s emotions without flinching. It takes a ton of courage and strength to really be with someone in their suffering. But it’s also incredibly powerful and healing for the other person.
Try this: invite your loved one to share how they’re feeling. Let them know that for 5-10 minutes, they can share without you interrupting. If it feels comfortable, maintain a physical connection to increase their sense of safety (e.g. by holding their hand). Once the time is up, summarise what you heard them say and ask if you got it all. Rinse and repeat.
2. Ask before offering advice.
My rule is: listen first, give advice later. And before giving advice, check that the person wants to hear it.
This is hard for most of us because we have *genuinely* helpful tools or resources to offer (hello, therapy). Maybe we’ve been in a similar situation and we want to share what worked for us. Or maybe we feel uncomfortable and we’re not sure how else to react other than offering a solution. But when we give unsolicited advice what we’re really saying is, “please stop being [sad/anxious/angry etc]. Here’s something that will fix you. I don’t trust that you can handle this on your own.”
Try this: tell your loved one, “I have a suggestion for you, would you like to hear it?”. Be okay with hearing “no”. Resist the urge to sulk if they’re not ready for your advice right now.
3. Share what you appreciate about them.
Whenever I’ve experienced a mental health slump, my self-esteem slumps with it. So hearing good things about myself from others is HUGE.
This isn’t about trying to cheer someone up by bullshitting them—it’s about seeing, valuing, validating them. It’s about showing you love and accept them, no matter what. Depending how hard things are right now, your words might fall on deaf ears. Keep sharing your appreciation. It can make a real difference.
Try this: share something you appreciate about your loved one. Be very specific—such as, “I’m so grateful you washed the dishes today”, “I’m so happy you’re in my life”, or “I’m so proud of you for taking a shower, even though you really didn’t feel like it”.
4. Resist the temptation to say, “it’ll be okay”.
“It’ll be okay” can sound like a joke to someone who’s struggling. I remember someone saying this to me during one of my darkest periods and thinking, “how do you know? Can’t you see nothing will ever be okay again? How can you even think that?!”
Same goes for, “cheer up”, “stay positive”, “this will pass”, “it’s not the end of the world”, and “at least you still have [whatever they still have]”. The problem is that sweeping statements like these feel dismissive, resulting in the other person feeling lonely and misunderstood.
Try this: sit with the discomfort of things not being okay for your loved one. Let them know you’re there for them if they want to talk. If you have no idea what to say, try “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this”.
5. Give them space (and don’t take it personally).
Some people need space to process their emotions. They might pull away from you, disengage from conversation, or say they need to spend time alone.
If they ask for space, give them it. This is a kind and compassionate act of support. It can be hard to step back when we want someone to open up, but giving your loved one room to breathe might be exactly what they need. I feel outrageously grateful that my friends and family understand I sometimes need to switch off my phone and not speak to anyone for a while in order to clear my head and practice self-care.
Try this: ask your loved one what they need in order to feel fully supported by you, especially if they’re struggling to talk. Do they need space? More time alone? For you to stop asking them how they are? Be willing to hear the truth, without taking it personally.
6. Talk about other stuff.
Let your loved one take the lead on this. If talking about their feelings is heavy for them, just talk about stuff as you usually would.
Make plans to do something together. Gently encourage them to get out of the house with you. Grab some food. Go for coffee. Take a walk. Watch a movie. Ask them what they want to do (if anything).
Try this: check out this guide I made for you—it contains 100 questions designed to liven up stagnant conversations. Above all else, treat your loved one as you normally would. They’re still in there, I promise.
7. Prioritise your own self-care.
You won’t have anything to give if you don’t look after yourself. That means: plenty of sleep, movement, water, whole foods, connection with others, fresh air, rest, and fun. Yep, fun is vital for our well-being!
Supporting a person who’s struggling can be freakin’ stressful. Especially if you have other important responsibilities—and let’s face it, most of us do. So remember to set boundaries and seek support for yourself from friends and professionals if you need it.
Try this: if you don’t have one, create a quick morning and/or evening ritual to help you recharge and reset. Take mini pleasure breaks throughout the day, like having a cup of tea, treating yourself to a delicious snack, listening to music, calling a friend, or taking a quick walk around the block.
Hope these ideas are helpful for you and your loved one(s)!
Leave a Comment